~My Mother’s Day flowers the girls and I planted together~
I keep getting email updates from Baby Center. I need to cancel them. Part of me just doesn’t want to hassle with it.
I somehow got linked to them when I added a handful of pregnancy apps to my phone to track my new little pea-pod growing.
Oh yeah, ya’ll.
I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of April.
(You read that right.)
This week’s email update informs me that I am nearing the end of my second month. I’m more than halfway through the first trimester.
But I’m not.
The update also informs me that the baby is the size of blueberry and has hands and feet.
But that’s not true either.
This year, I am one of the 20% who had a miscarriage.
So once upon a time, this woman, this underdog…. with a hardworking, man-that-you-adore husband, two joy-giving daughters, and so much to be thankful for…
lost her baby.
Just because I have so much to be thankful for doesn’t make it any easier to lose a baby.
Some days I think, “God, why can’t I just catch a break here? When can I stop having setbacks? When can I stop feeling like life is a tsunami that is crashing my little boat against the sand and demolishing it to pieces? When can I start moving forward?”
I took it much harder than I thought I would. I took it much harder than I wanted to.
What I wanted was to just push through and move on, because I knew I couldn’t change what was happening. But my body could not physically do it. I felt ill. Exhausted. My muscles ached. My head was swimming in nausea. I was hormonal. I felt so….stereotypical. And I would rationally have to tell myself….”E–you are having a miscarriage. Stop pushing yourself.”
I listened to this wiser side of my brain. I put my protective Mama cap on. I understood that I needed to allow myself to be sad. To take a breather. To think and talk it out with my incredible support group of friends and family. Take the time to heal. But there is also wisdom in not letting this experience defeat me. I have a husband (who was AMAZING through all this, by the way), two girls to care for, and life to live.
It’s a tough balance.
For the past two weeks I’ve felt back to “normal” in so many ways. I have great health, great opportunities, thankful for so many things.
And then I remind myself…I lost my baby a few weeks ago. It feels very strange.
That is hard stuff to settle on. Because then I have to give myself some grace and say….it’s okay that I have my up and down moments.
I don’t have golden words of wisdom for all of us who have walked through a miscarriage. Who have lost babies. Who have envisioned life with a new little person in their family, brainstorming perfect names, and seeing little onesies dance in their heads.
Roller coaster doesn’t even come close to describing it with justice.
I don’t know what to say about all of it….because truthfully…nothing makes it “better” or “easier”. I just take one day at a time.
And I receive grace for myself in each day.
My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9